Grief and Love

Grief is a weird thing..... Especially when it starts before the actual possible event happens. I know all the things, and mostly I even believe all the things. Circle of life, the blessing of having a loved one on the earth for over 90 years, knowing that peace, health, and everlasting life is guaranteed because they are a believer, but yet.... That's a part of my heart, my mind, my soul that will never, ever, ever be filled. I have always had the idea that it's kinda like the way people with brain injuries go on, that your brain finds new and creative ways to work and keep going, but what about when it's woven into every bit of you? It's selfish for me to want to keep her here, unrealistic, just not going to happen. And thank God I have countless memories, pictures, stories, that she'll always live on. And it might be days, weeks, months, knowing her stubborn self it might be years, but it seems like it'll be sooner rather than later, and no matter when it is, I'll be broken. I won't stay broken. She wouldn't allow that. She'd tell me to put my lipstick on and get on with life, because there's too much good stuff to not go out and find it all. There's too much beauty, there's too much fun, sitting stagnant just isn't an option. This hurts, and it's going to hurt for a long time, but I am blessed to have family that I have steadily been building relationships with, I'm surrounded by love, and when it comes down to it, there's a little bit of her in all of her loved ones. I'm blessed that there's nothing that has ever been left unsaid, no bridges to rebuild, no apologies that need to be made. She loves me and I know it, and I love her and she knows it. I've always wanted to make her proud, and for the most part I think I have, and as the years go on, there will always be a part of her in my brain that says "And what else can you do with that big brain of yours?" And she'll continue to push me to be a better person, a better wife, a better mother, a better friend. To take time to explore the world, whether that's a European vacation or a drive into town to find out more about the place I call home. To read ALL the books, not because I have to, but because I WANT to. To stop telling myself that I'm too old to go to college, because it didn't stop her. To FIERCELY love my family, to MAKE SURE they know how loved they are at every opportunity. To keep learning, never think you know it all, never think that someone decades younger than me can't teach me something new. To stand my ground in scary situations, and to speak my mind, even if it's an unpopular opinion. To never change who I am to make it more convenient for someone else, because the people who matter will stick around through it. To continue to tell stories, even if some of the details are..... Dramatized, because one day the stories I tell will be a type of legacy. To be unashamed of my beliefs, even if I come off as a "Bible thumper", because I know my Creator and I will not be silenced. To be SILLY, because even a 93+ year life is too short, and being serious all the time is just boring. To enjoy the times you might be "lost" on a road trip, because you're not really lost, you're just finding a new and exciting way. 

Grief is hard, but when it comes down to it, love still conquers all.